Tag Archive | Just Ask Me

Gratitude: Five Things that Made My Week

1. I’m grateful for the study that came out this week that showed that  approximately 50% of Americans who get government aid in the form of social security disability, child and dependent care tax credits, unemployment insurance, Medicare, and student loans, believe they don’t. (To read more click here.)  Apparently the guy I saw on television at a Tea Party rally a few years back carrying a sign that said GET YOUR GOVERNMENT HANDS OFF MY MEDICARE wasn’t just some lone guy with a marker and a misguided brain. It’s not that I’m so happy that so many Americans seem to have swallowed the nonsense being dished out by the Republican party for the last thirty years.  But at least I can try to be hopeful that SOMEONE, ANYONE, will be able to educate these people, to use this new, actual data to help these Americans find their way again, and to maybe stop voting against their own pocketbooks.  I realize this is probably a naive hope, since faith-based beliefs are obviously not subject to actual facts but I can hope if I want to.  Seriously, folks.  The other night I was watching the hilarious Jon Stewart, and I actually heard his guest, Bruce Bartlett, who was none other than Ronald Reagan’s budget guy, call the current Republican party insane!  You can’t make this stuff up.

2. I’m grateful for Jon Stewart.  Any time. Always.  The guy is a comic genius.  (Bill Maher is also a genius, albeit slightly more disturbing one.)

3. I’m grateful for the wonderful Paul Anka. Now THAT man could croon.  We met some friends at a fantastic, authentic Italian restaurant in the Bronx, and every so often during the meal, the waiters would present someone with birthday cupcakes, while on the speakers on at top decibel there would be the memorable opening strains of Anka weeping out,”Did you have a happy birthday? Even though I wasn’t there.”  Okay, so I’m old.  But for atmosphere, this musical choice was a winner.  To hear this classic on youtube, click here.

4. I’m grateful that my two-year-old grandaughter, after trying and trying, was finally able to balance a spoon on her nose.

5. I’m grateful that after putting up a new tab in my blog (Need Advice? Just Ask Me.  Click the tab above to check it out.), I’ve received my first letter.  I’ll post that, and my answer, soon.

Survival Tip of the Day for Moms

Survival Tip for Moms:

Don’t assume that your daughter’s path will be the same as yours and then try to foist that opinion on her. We’re all entitled to learn our own lessons, take our own journey.
A great question from a Daily Muse reader. Just Ask Me. 

“Just Ask Me” Advice #4: How to Help a Friend with cancer

Help! How Do I Help a Friend with Cancer?

Help! How Do I Help a Friend With Cancer?

Dear Fran,

A close friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer a few weeks ago. She’s had surgery and will be undergoing radiation and chemotherapy. The doctors say her prognosis looks good, but she has had to drop out of her grad school program for the semester.

We were all absolutely devastated when we heard the news, and it’s been the most difficult thing I could imagine for her and her family. She has been inconsolably depressed, crying all the time, and so angry that her life as she knows it is over. It is so not fair that this happened to such a wonderful person—and all I want to do is make her feel even a tiny bit better.

Our friends have tried everything we can think of—spending days at the hospital, crying with her, talking, bringing games, watching movies, and more. But nothing has helped—even the good news from the doctors that we got last week. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain she’s going through, so I am at a loss as to what else I could say or do that might help even a tiny bit.

How can I help her?

A Friend

Dear Friend:

I am moved by your question. It sounds as if you are a caring, concerned friend who’s doing everything possible to alleviate your friend’s suffering.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can say or do to magically make things better or to wish her disease away. Your friend is mourning a very grave loss. Calling cancer a loss may surprise you, but a young woman being treated for breast cancer, even breast cancer she’s probably going to survive, is dealing with significant life losses, including loss of health, loss of innocence, loss of safety, (perceived) loss of sexuality, and (at least temporarily) loss of cherished dreams and ambitions.

Your friend is on a journey and needs time to process this profound life experience. All you can offer is your companionship and deepest compassion. The Buddhist definition of compassion is the nearest I’ve come to truly understanding how to handle situations like yours:

“Compassion is willingness to be close to suffering.”

Being close to her suffering means being patient with her feelings, not trying to change them. Continue to visit and when you do, encourage her to express her emotions, and always validate their legitimacy, even if they’re scary or make you feel vulnerable or uncomfortable. Don’t pretend to understand her pain; it is hers and hers alone. And when she’s opening up to you, don’t try to distract her unless she’s begging for news from the outside world or a change in topic.

Also refrain from optimistic assurances—they may come across as empty or invalidating and may further anger or depress her. Don’t, for example, try to reassure her that she can go back to school next year, or even that all will eventually go back to “normal.” Her process might take her somewhere else entirely, and her “normal” may be altered permanently, too.

All that being said, there are some ways you can help her move forward:

  1. Bring her a beautiful journal in which to record her experiences and feelings. She can keep this private, of course, but the writing process itself is wonderfully beneficial. Or direct her to a website like www.caringbridge.org, where cancer patients can write an ongoing journal, share their experiences with a community of concerned friends, and receive support.
  2. Encourage her to participate in a support group with other young women facing breast cancer or other health crises. Individual therapy with a social worker or psychologist might also help. Check out the resources in her area or community, or ask her hospital for helpful and therapeutic resources.
  3. Put together a care package of meditation tapes, green or white teas, a heating pad, aromatherapy candles, books (the young and amazing Kris Carr has a few), tissues, stationery—anything that may be comforting and relaxing to her.
  4. Bring her a book about the breast cancer experience, either a memoir or an instructional book on how to get through it. Hearing from someone else who has been through what she’s dealing with might be incredibly comforting, and help her feel that she’s not so alone.

Finally, keep doing what you’re doing. Be present and humble. Observe and reflect. Allow silence, and don’t judge. No matter how she’s dealing with this, accept her, listen to her, and love her.

Let me end with a life survival tip, which I offer in the most sincere and open way. After I lost my son, I spent years raging at the whole universe, to no avail—except to learn that the universe is 100% indifferent to what seems fair. Knowing this tidbit helped me later, when I received my own breast cancer diagnosis.

I offer this tip to help you prepare yourself for the vicissitudes of life, and to encourage you to be grateful for each moment and every day. To help you help your friend as she begins this journey. And to state a bottom-line truth that is nonnegotiable and endlessly unforgiving:

Survival Tip #1: Life is not fair.

Your friend is learning this truth, and I encourage you to learn it, too. And I wish you both good luck and good health.


Have a question for Fran? Email advice@thedailymuse.com

“Just Ask Me” Column #1: The Pushy, Creepy Boss

Hello Bruised Musers,
While working on my next advice column for http://www.thedailymuse.com, a piece on the proverbial mother-in- law-from-hell, which will appear this Wednesday, I realized I forgot to post the last one, on the creepy boss. So here it it:

Help! My Boss Won’t Leave Me Alone

by  — September 14, 2011 — 3 Comments

Help! My Boss Won't Leave Me Alone

Welcome to our first advice column Q&A! Have a question for Fran? Email advice@thedailymuse.com

Dear Fran,

I was recently on an international trip with my boss, and, quite frankly, traveling with him makes me uncomfortable. After we finish up our client meetings each day, he wants to spend the evening together—eating dinner together and then working together in the hotel lobby. This isn’t really that uncommon at my company (though usually there’s a bigger team traveling together), but I just want to go back to my room and be alone.

Then, the other night, the hotel’s Internet was slow and I couldn’t attach any large files to the emails I was sending him. He insisted on coming by my hotel room to pick up my files on a flash drive—and then sat down on my bed and wanted to chat and hang out. I was furious and told him to leave—which he eventually did—but I couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to travel with him anymore, but the project we’re working on lasts another six weeks. What should I do?


Dear Uncomfortable,

There’s an old Chinese proverb: The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right name.

Your first task is to name the situation. Is this “sexual harassment,” defined by law as “unwelcome and severe or pervasive conduct of a sexual nature that affects working conditions or creates a hostile work environment?” If so, start keeping a paper trail.

My guess is we should call this ambiguous, like most things in life. Which is not to say that your boss isn’t a big fat jerk! Unfortunately, some situations are simply not in our control, and some people are jerks. And some of them get to adulthood, even into positions of power, without learning to recognize social cues. The psychotherapist in me could diagnose this, but I’ll refrain.

There could be reasons for your guy’s boorish behavior, such as he’s having a hard time in his life (not your problem, of course). On the other hand, he may just feel entitled to nightly (non-sexual) companionship as part of the organizational culture, and also be a jerk. Can you discreetly find out whether you are alone in disliking him?

In any case, you need to set boundaries about what you will and won’t put up with, but you also need to be smart in dealing with people, men and women.

Don’t, for example, do what I did. My first job was at a two-person start-up in the entertainment field. The only other person in the office was my manic, married boss. I really liked the work, and the guy was brilliant, but he was constantly inviting me to dinner, looking at me longingly, telling me how beautiful I was. I told him I had a boyfriend (now my husband of 35 years), but nothing dissuaded him. After about six months I felt so uncomfortable I just quit.

But acting impulsively is almost never the right choice.

So I would ask you to determine whether you can tolerate six uncomfortable weeks in service of fulfilling your larger goals. In the grand scheme, six weeks is a short time, especially if you generally like the job, your other co-workers, and the advancement possibilities. Especially if you don’t have another job option.

You say you he “insisted,” and you were “furious.” Ask yourself honestly if you’ve actually set and expressed your boundaries clearly and firmly. One of the reasons you may feel uncomfortable is because on some level you recognize that allowing him into your room was a kind of triple foul: you permitted him to violate reasonable boundaries, sent him a mixed message, and needlessly lost control. Next time, you “insist”—on delivering your flash drive to the lobby.

On the plane next time, politely but firmly tell your boss you’re happy to review the day’s work for, say, two hours, in the lobby, but you need time to decompress alone after that. Perhaps even say you need to call your boyfriend, even if he’s mythical. And don’t go down the path of telling him about your feelings of discomfort, which could set the stage (in his mind) for moresharing of feelings—his!

You need to set your boundaries and be firm. But after that, your only real option here may be to learn to deal with your discomfort. Try meditation or progressive muscle relaxation. Exercise. Distract yourself. Keep a journal. Writing can help you integrate the emotionally reactive, impulsive part of your brain with the logical, narrative part. Try writing down negative feelings toward this guy and the situation, and be sure to focus on some positive things (and people) in your life too.

Way back when, maybe I should have stuck out my discomfort with my own boss; it’s not as if he threatened or insisted. But I was too naïve to understand sacrifice for a larger goal, too timid and confused to set boundaries clearly and firmly, and too mired in the socio-cultural idea that women should make as few waves as possible. And the fact is, that guy eventually turned that two-person start-up into one of the most innovative, successful entertainment marketing companies in the world.

Focus now on getting through the next six weeks and getting assigned next time to someone in the organization whose work (and personality) you do admire, but not by saying bad things about this guy.

Good luck!


Want advice? Write to Fran at advice@thedailymuse.com

The Answer to the Question: Introducing my advice column: JUST ASK ME

Here’s the answer to the question posed by the Bruised Muse’s last post: Am I an advice columnist?  Apparently I am.  I’m the new advice columnist at http://www.dailymu.se (also, http://www.daily-muse.com), and I’m thrilled to be a part of such an exciting new venture.

The Daily Mu.se

Need Advice? Just Ask Us!

by  — August 31, 2011 — 1 Comment

110831 Just Ask Us 2C

Welcome to the Daily Muse’s advice column. I’m open for business, ready to provide thoughtful answers to your most pressing questions.

But first, let me introduce myself, so you know the editors didn’t just drag someone off the street to give advice on complicated life problems.

Although I’ve been a writer all my life, I never aspired to write an advice column—but I probably have the perfect background for the gig. I’m not just a writer, after all, I’m a psychotherapist and clinical social worker, too.

And I have quite a bit of life experience. Back before many of you Gen Yers were born, I got an undergrad degree in communications, then held a bunch of jobs—from car salesperson to corporate promotion manager—before finally accepting that I was more interested in understanding people than selling widgets. I went back to school for a PhD in Psychology, but never finished (although along the way I gathered some other letters, MA and MSW) because I began my writing career, which has included three nicely received novels, as well as published essays, poetry, and articles.

I’ve experienced all the usual things in life—career, marriage, and family, including now a grandchild—and I’ve also faced an extraordinary number of life challenges, probably more than my share. I’ve learned that, while styles and customs evolve and technology is changing our world at lightning speed, human nature and relationships—what we want and need in life, how best to get it, and how to cope when we don’t—remain constant.

The truth is, experience is only useful when we learn from it. And that’s what I’m here to share. I’ve learned so much that I write a blog, The Bruised Muse, celebrating surviving and developing resilience in the face of adversity. I’ve been working on a new genre of memoir, too. It includes self-help in the form of “survival tips” for reader takeaway (you’ll probably see a few sprinkled in my column)!

But enough about me. Let’s move on to you, and your relationships with parents, friends, spouses, co-workers, mentors, bosses. In this column, I’ll tackle questions about your career, love, sex, male/female roles, taking criticism, expectations, ambition, addiction, jealousy, loss. I’ll take on your pet peeves, life’s little annoyances, your worries about navigating this culture and the changing role of women, your existential despair, fear, boredom, bias, envy, anxiety, anger, sadness.

And I’ll do so for the same reason I sit with people in therapy: I want to help. To offer you perspective. To encourage your self-analysis, creativity, confidence, and compassion. To help you think clearly, consider all the options, set boundaries, and be realistic. To help you make good choices.

As I answer your questions, I have three promises to make:

  1. If I have a useful example from my own life, I’ll offer it, and I’ll always tell the truth as I see it, not necessarily as I (or you) wish it would be.
  2. If I’m unsure about something, I’ll consult an expert.
  3. I’ll probably make a joke or three in my answer, usually at my own expense, but I don’t do snark. I’ve been through so much in my life, believe me, I have empathy for whatever you’re facing.

You, Daily Muse reader, and I are beginning this adventure together. You’ll be anonymous, so don’t hold back, but do try to provide some context or background when you ask your question. And remember: The more interesting and honest the question, the more interesting and useful the answer.

So go ahead and Just Ask Me.

Need life advice? Write to:  advice@dailymu.se.

Or frandorf@aol.com


Fran Dorf writes the “Just Ask Me” column at the Daily Muse. Fran is a psychotherapist-clinical social worker and author of three acclaimed novels. Fran’s essays, poetry, and articles have appeared in anthologies, national periodicals, and literary journals, and she’s working on a memoir about the ridiculous amount of tsuris—or heartaches— she’s survived in her life. Fran also writes a blog, The Bruised Muse, which celebrates surviving life and achieving resilience in adversity. In her spare time, she reads everything, rants about politics, Zumba dances, skis, plays tennis, travels, and plays with her grandchild, Maya.