Tag Archive | Grief and Bereavement

Another thank you on Grief 101 from a bereaved reader

Here’s some of what a bereaved father out in California writes:

Dear Fran,

As a bereaved parent I’m sure you’ve heard of The Compassionate Friends, a nonprofit support group for bereaved parents and siblings. Thanks for your excellent article, “How To Comfort A Bereaved Friend or Relative”, in the June 1st issue of Bottom Line.

Our chapter of TCF would like to reprint your article in our free bimonthly newsletter. Do you think you could help us get permission from BLP. I’m a long time subscriber but that probably doesn’t carry any weight. Hearing other people’s stories can help put your own in perspective.

I lost my son, Mark, 37, to a drug OD in November, 2006. TCF has been a blessing. Thanks for your consideration.

Tom-

I hear you, Tom. I’m so very sorry for your loss. While any loss of a child is terrible beyond words (Well, I wrote about 50,000 words on the subject, but let’s leave that aside for the moment), losing a child to a suicide, OD, or homicide carries with it very heavy additional burdens.

As it turns out, your letter has made me realize that June 1, the day that article was published, is actually the 15th anniversary of my son’s death. We bereaved parents are members of the club that no one wants to belong to. Compassionate Friends is a terrific organization, a life-saver for many people. Whatever helps is a blessing, I say. Just being in the presence of others traveling along the same sorrowful path can be helpful. I would say, though, that in any peer-facilitated support group, (or professionally facilitated support group, for that matter) it does depend on who’s running the group. Don’t you think?

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Thanks from a bereaved reader

Here’s an email I got from a reader. I’m posting it because I LOVE the comment about the angel.

Hi Fran
My name is Jennifer–. This morning I received my June edition of Bottom Line/Personal. I read your article on “How To Comfort A Bereaved Friend or Relative”.
I just wanted to thank you for the wonderful advice you gave in that article. I lost my son 3 years ago and I wish I could have given copies of this article out to almost everyone I know. Your suggestions on what not to do were perfect! I think if one more person had told me God wanted another angel, I was going to hurt someone!
I do believe we are in a unique position to teach people how to deal with us (bereaved parents). Many just don’t know what to do and end up doing the wrong thing. I realize their intention is not to be hurtful but you have given the public some very good advice.

The Inoculation Effect of Big Time Grief

I’ve been thinking for a very long time about the inoculation effect of grief. This is a term I believe has relevance to the experience of “high” grief, or as I call it in my novel “big time grief.” I’ve never read or heard anyone use the term. Here’s the general definition from the Oxford:

Inoculate: The deliberate introduction into the body of a micro-organism, especially in order to induce immunity to a disease; vaccination.

What does this have to do with grief? Here’s what. I think of the pain I suffered during my bereavement almost as a kind of inoculation against future pain. Not that I can no longer feel anything, just that I can handle it now. It seems to me that I became aware of this effect after quite a lot of time had passed, and I do think one has to have done the grief work in order to feel the effect, but the truth is, no matter what trauma I’ve faced–and there have been a few since my son died–I’ve always kept myself on a relatively even keel, emotionally. I’ve consoled myself by thinking that nothing could be as devastating as what I’ve already been through. What could? If I survived that, I can survive anything. I mentioned this notion to the group of bereaved folks I wrote with last night, and I saw recognition in many of their faces. Of course, we wish we had our children back, but life only goes one way and we are forced to learn those lessons that are given to us. I wonder if anyone else has felt that serious grief can inoculate us, so that we are able to face whatever else lies ahead.

Initially, a few of the bereaved parents in the group last night seemed somewhat resistant to the idea of writing as a way to help us explore, understand, and express our inner worlds, especially when I said I had written a novel. One man asked “Is your novel fiction or non-fiction?” I explained that all novels are fiction, and he said, “But this is REAL LIFE.”

Meaning, what can YOU–a fiction writer–possibly know about the REAL pain I’m feeling?

I explained that I too had lost a child, and that my novel had been inspired by the experience. That seemed to appease him, and I didn’t feel the need to explain that I would be employing exercises that used fictional techniques. Once I told him that I too had lost a child, he seemed willing to trust me. I was a member of the club that no one wants to belong to. I so well remember the feeling of being resentful, even suspicious of anyone who hadn’t lost a child, who hadn’t been where I was but would presume to tell me how to feel, what to do, how to act.

I want to share with readers a poem the group last night wrote. The group’s thoughts are listed in no particular order. They composed this poem after I read them a wonderful list poem by Elaine Equi called “Things to Do in the Bible” and we then composed:

Things to Do When You Lose a Child:

Cry – Get Mad – Yell at God – Cry – Pray – Yell at God – Try to Breathe – Freeze and shut down – Pray for help – Find your center – Look within for wisdom – Count your blessings – Comfort a wife – Cry – Bang the Steering Wheel – Cry Cry Cry – Find Spirituality – Figure out how to survive – Talk talk talk – Scream and swear at God – Listen for his voice – Fight with your husband – Get Back to Work- Honor His Memory – Resent everyone- Celebrate his life – Pray – Give to Others – Light a Candle – Hate Life – Cry – Look at Pictures – Eat – Cry – Spend time with a husband – Cry – Talk to friends – Get Help – Cry – Scream – Take a bath – Hug a friend – Swim a mile – Try to sleep – Walk in the woods – Eat your heart out – Go to Bed – Not get dressed – Rage at the moon – Hate everyone – Hate God – Swim upstream – Ignore your living children- Feel guilty – Write a book

The last one was mine, of course. Not everyone can write a book, obviously. But writing CAN be therapeutic, I’m convinced of it. Here’s a poem I composed at some point, among the first semi-coherent writings I managed. I think it gives a good idea of how grief feels. Or at least how my grief felt. A version of this poem appears in Saving Elijah.

I am a clobbered egg
ex orb exploded
white shard in your eye
it hurts.
There there.
This sweet yellow yolk
rots now,
threaded with bloodeous black,
glutinous maximus,
sweet rot drips
all over the imported linen,
sticky on the gold rimmed China,
soiled with the grotesque muck
of my child’s grave.
There with my child, so cold.
I sweat this stuff in your face,
all placid and complacent as a baby’s toes.
I yield up nothing you want.
No angel wings,
No down for your bed,
No meat.