A BRUISED MUSE reader wants an answer to her dilemma. “Doris” writes:
I read your article on how to help the bereaved in Bottomline Secrets email and found it really helpful.
My situation is a little different, but I’m sure someone else has been through it and you may know how to help me.
About 2 1/2 yrs ago I met a wonderful widower. We fell in love and married 11 mos ago. We are both in our 60’s and each have 2 grown children. All the adult children seemed very happy for us except his daughter. She is still very much grieving her mother’s death of nearly 6 yrs ago. She would not come to our home at all. She finally agreed to let her husband bring the kids over a few times last fall. After the wedding last summer she was still pretty “cool” but has gradually “warmed” to me over the winter. What really hurt me was a long letter she wrote to me just before the wedding last summer, where she went on and on about how she felt that I was taking over her mother’s house and taking her father away from her. (We have since sold the house and moved to another state). Anyway, it has gotten a little better over the last 6 mos, but I notice there is still a tension between us. I tried not to take her words and feelings personally, realizing that she is still grieving. Her father felt protective of her (even though she is 36, married and has 6 kids of her own) but I have to tell you it nearly caused me to call off the wedding and definitely took some of the joy from it.
She still visits the gravesite regularly, which seems strange to me as that is not my custom. I have never visited the grave of a relative.
So if you have any advice for the 2nd wife I would love to have it.
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BRUISED MUSE replies:
Thanks so much for writing. I’m very happy you’ve found true love at this point in your life. How wonderful, adorable, stimulating, reassuring, life-affirming, and even (I hope) sensual.
After my mother died, my father, believe it or not, took up with the woman who had been my mother’s hospice nurse. My father was 78, Mary wasn’t even 60. It was a little weird to see my father affectionate with a woman who was not my mother, especially since he’d never been affectionate with my mother, but, well…all I could say was “Good for Dad.” Mary was just a lovely person; she was, after all, a hospice nurse.
It sounds to me as if your new daughter-in-law may be suffering from complicated grief. CG is “an intense and long-lasting form of grief that can take over a person’s life. It’s natural to experience acute grief after someone close dies, but grief usually recedes into the background, and over time, healing diminishes the pain of loss. People suffering complicated grief often say that they feel “stuck.” “Complicated” refers to factors that interfere with the natural healing process, often related to characteristics of the bereaved person, to the nature of the relationship with the deceased person, the circumstances of the death, or to things that occurred after the death.” (I took this definition from www.complicatedgrief.org, the website of Dr. Katherine Shear’s program for CG at Columbia University in New York City.) CG can include intrusive thoughts about death; uncontrollable bouts of sadness, guilt and other negative emotions; and a preoccupation with, or avoidance of, anything associated with the loss. Complicated grief has been linked to higher incidences of drinking, cancer and suicide attempts, and it can be quite distressing not only for those who are experiencing it, but for those who are witness to it. The fact is, complicated grief can destroy two lives at once, and it can get really, really ugly, especially when there’s anger and guilt.
I have the sense you don’t live near New York, where Dr. Shear’s program is located, but if you want to help your daughter-in-law and possibly change the situation, I highly recommend that you take the following two steps:
1) Research psychotherapists, bereavement counselors, thanatologists, psychologists, and/or social workers in her area, and find one who is trained or knowledgeable in the treatment of complicated grief. Many people, sometimes even therapists, are very uncomfortable with grief, and regular talk therapy isn’t always helpful. Research has shown that the most helpful treatment involves, among other things: role playing; narrative therapy; tape recording the bereaved person as she recounts the details of the death and the loss and then replaying it; and journaling.
2) Ask your husband to suggest that she see that therapist. Or perhaps the other sibling, if he or she has been more accepting, could be enlisted in suggesting this.
Beyond taking those two steps, there simply isn’t much you can do, except to understand your husband’s ambivalence, and try to approach your difficult daughter-in-law with as much warmth, empathy, and kindness as you can. I realize that this could be very difficult. Perhaps you could write her a letter, in which you honor her mother and reassure her that you aren’t trying to “take over.”
Your instinct not to take what she says personally is probably right, but at the risk of offending you, I would also ask you to consider your own role here. You may be completely innocent, but here’s Survival Tip #1, from February, 2011. It’s one of my favorite quotes from the brilliant psychiatrist (and novelist) Irvin Yalom, from one of his shorter works, The Gift of Therapy. He says:
“Once an individual recognizes their role in creating their own life predicament, they realize that they, and only they, have the power to change the situation.”
The Bruised Muse has found, in her life and in her psychotherapy office, that life gets a whole lot easier when an individual finally recognizes that she (or he) ONLY has the power to change how she behaves in the world, and how she responds to others’ behavior toward her. She does NOT have the power to change the others’ behavior. And so, with that in mind, I’d suggest you ask yourself seriously if you have offended this woman in some way. (I mean other than by your existence.)
On the other hand, I’d ask: How far does she go in offending you? Does she call you names? Just ignore you? Accuse you of things you haven’t done?
Try to separate what you wish for the relationship with her and her children, from what’s happening, from what’s possible. And do set boundaries. If her behavior is truly abusive–ie, for example, if she calls you names–explain (using “I feel” statements) that this hurts your feelings and you simply won’t tolerate it.
On the other hand, this could have NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with you. Remember what I said above about the factors related to complicated grief. One factor is the nature of the relationship with the deceased. Was her relationship with her mother particularly difficult, strained, or ambivalent? I certainly don’t suggest you take this up with her, but just knowing the truth of things (the actual truth, not the idealized truth) can help. Knowledge is not only power, it can be comfort too.
As for visiting grave sites, some people find comfort in this. Regular visiting of a mother’s grave after six years MAY be a sign of complicated grief. After 17 years, I’m still OCCASIONALLY drawn to my son’s grave, but I usually stand there for a few minutes, place some small stones on the brass marker, wince at the hollow sound of stone on brass, and leave. I simply do not find my baby there.
Good luck, and let me know how it goes.
Fran Dorf (THE BRUISED MUSE)