Great advice, Fran. Any advice on how do you create, constructive new patterns in the other person beyond just taking a stand on your own boundaries???
Thanks for writing, Margie. You can’t really change how another person is or acts in the world, you can only change how you react. But it seems to me that setting and sticking to your boundaries and/or refusing to enable bad behavior will, if not decrease the behavior, at least stop putting you in a position of reinforcing or increasing it. If the behavior is really bad, often what happens is that person eventually burns all her/his bridges, as one by one people realize that constantly allowing him or her to violate boundaries isn’t doing him any good, and also just get offended or sick of it. Sometimes people need to hit bottom and realize they’re alone before they’re willing to change. Sometimes people are never willing to change, and thus all their relationships are characterized by drama and cut-offs. In that case, there might be a personality disorder of some type.
If the situation warrants it, as in the case of a rage-aholic or an alcoholic (or a personality disorder, for that matter), really the only thing you can do is suggest the person get professional help.
Great advice, Fran. Any advice on how do you create, constructive new patterns in the other person beyond just taking a stand on your own boundaries???
Thanks for writing, Margie. You can’t really change how another person is or acts in the world, you can only change how you react. But it seems to me that setting and sticking to your boundaries and/or refusing to enable bad behavior will, if not decrease the behavior, at least stop putting you in a position of reinforcing or increasing it. If the behavior is really bad, often what happens is that person eventually burns all her/his bridges, as one by one people realize that constantly allowing him or her to violate boundaries isn’t doing him any good, and also just get offended or sick of it. Sometimes people need to hit bottom and realize they’re alone before they’re willing to change. Sometimes people are never willing to change, and thus all their relationships are characterized by drama and cut-offs. In that case, there might be a personality disorder of some type.
If the situation warrants it, as in the case of a rage-aholic or an alcoholic (or a personality disorder, for that matter), really the only thing you can do is suggest the person get professional help.